Me, myself, and my inner brain
by Aeris-Cloud
Summary: Appologies for the title! a basic Claire and Steve story for Kez! beware! attempted humor.
1. Chapter 1

Okay

Hi! Aeris here. I was shot with "something" and my brain decided, Claire and "Steve!" lol I dedicate this story to Kez!(Kez92p9) I know its not exactly what you wanted but I'm going to keep adding on!

I'm a very odd person. Needless to say, I have sane moments. Like the time I attacked the "bunnies" for possessing Leon's soul. Oh, Leon's my roommate by the way. He and I have been through it all; from the good times to the bad.

From the time I went skinny-dipping in some guy's pool, to the time we left Raccoon city. Okay, I know what you're thinking…

Why the hell would I go skinny-dipping in some guy's pool? I can explain. I was out drinking with some buddies, and in my intoxicated ill-formed mind I decided that going skinny-dipping was indeed, a good idea.

Needless to say, Leon had to get me out of there before the guy came back out of the house with his 19.mm. Ha. I would've liked to see that.

When we got home though, through my alcohol hazed mind, I recall him lecturing me in the points in common sense. Well maybe I should've listened before, since I'm in a jam now….Anyways, lets think about happier things.

Okay... so I know this isn't the best predicament, me in jail and all, but I have to think positive...

Oh who am I freaking kidding?! I'm in jail! _JAIL_!! I've never ever been in here, _EVER_!

Yet here I am, sitting on the old creaky bed with a small sink that is beyond dirty…

oh and did I forget the old leering men?? they're driving _me_ insane!

With their stupid perverted brains... for the few that have them.

As I sat down on the edge of "my_ bed_" the guy across from me wolf whistled leering disgustingly at me.

"Heyy _baby_! Why don't you ask the guard to let you into my cell, instead of _being_ by yourself?" my eye twitched my lips forming into a thin line.

Oh how I wanted to strangle him! For the past 3 days, he has been trying to get into my pants! The _nerve_! I turned my face _calmly_, but in the inside, I was fuming!

"like ive said before, no, no, and oh wait. _No_!" I turned facing the wall huffing.

when was I getting out of this damn place again? as if hearing my prayer, a guard walked up to my cell and jangled keys in front of me. "hey little missy-" eehhh? _Little_ missy?

if it weren't for the fact that I wanted to get out of this god forsaken place I would've strangled the man here and now.

Yet alas, I _NEED_ to get out of here!

so I stayed silent even after he smirked at me!

he. _Smirked_...at me? oh hellll no! we're going to fight now!

I raised my fist and socked him in the jaw.

he fell backwards lips split open and his hand covering his face.

The other prisoner's cheered.conviniently the keys landed right by my feet, so I opened the door and made a mad dash back to the facility.

after about 30 minutes of searching and hiding from the police sirens, I sat and tried to rest. what was up with my luck?! I haven't been this down since raccoon city!

I sighed and pushed the thoughts of that day in hell aside. "...now's not the time...for sulking..." I sat up and looked around. I had no idea where I was!

Crap Crap Crap_ Crap_!! How could I do that?! Well at least the sirens aren't going off…

I looked around the corner hoping that a police man wouldn't jump out at me. What? Can you blame me? With my luck id end up under the Pacific Ocean… how? I have no idea.

It seemed to me that ever since I came to Paris, I've been hitting rock bottom…

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. Ugh, this was unbearable! How was I supposed to think happy thoughts when I was lost?

Oh! I had a vivid imagination, oh yes. Why I could just picture my self at a coffee shop, drinking a frozen cappuccino with _extra _sugar. Mmm… now, that sounded _reeaallly_ good!

While I was on my little Escapade, my feet decided that standing on the same flat of ground was a bad idea. Soooo off I was daydreaming about a hunky Latin server coming to me with the angels singing and the doves flying while my feet wandered where ever they pleased.

Oh, joy… When I finally stopped drooling over my never-going-to-happen-fantasy, I looked up and noticed that I was in front of the hotel that I checked into!

Thank all the gods who decided that my suffering had reached its limit! I sprinted inside and ran to my room before the front desk guy (how convenient that I don't remember his name.) noticed that I looked like I just rolled in a pen with a pack of pigs.

As I reached my door, my ever present inner voice decided that it wanted to have a say in my thoughts… now. _Why is it that whenever you do something, that you have to do it wrong? _I "Harrumphed" and dug in my pocket for my keys. So my inner voice had more common sense than me, big deal…"Shut up…" I mumbled as I entered my room. Well now I was talking to myself. I must be deprived of my precious brain healing time. I shut the door and plopped onto my bed sighing heavily. 'How would I get into the facility without getting shoved off to jail?? _Impossible…_ my inner voice decided to chip in. "Shut up!" I shouted to the roof. The echo made me feel dumb. "…stupid voices…" I mumbled and slapped myself. _Oh…boy._

Lol I did put everything that popped into my brain. I hope its okay! I accept flames! Hehe, bows I apologize for the errors!


	2. Chapter 2

Well the ideas keep coming

Well the ideas keep coming! I'm extremely glad that Kez liked it! giggles anyways onwards with the story!

_Oh…boy._

The sun shinned brightly out side the birds chirping, the suns bright rays warming the frost that covered the trees and cement. Light flowed through the curtains of the hotel room lighting the once dark room with warmth and light…unfortunately.

A shoe hit the window with a loud Bang! It echoed throughout the hotel room, successfully scaring the birds away.

"Shut the hell up! It's Freaking 5:00 in the damn morning!" Claire hollered from under the pile of blankets angrily. She fidgeted around under the blankets for a couple of seconds, before jolting up scratching her hair with a sigh. "dang…"

ZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZ

It seemed the world was against her, again. So she was supposed to get up at a certain time to _"infiltrate"_ the facility, but _why _oh why did the birds have to chirp oh so merrily when she herself had a hangover?!

Okay so I might've _found_ some alcohol in the mini-fridge, and I may have drank _half_ a bottle of rum, but I wasn't telling. Nope! Nothing! Heh… So as I showered, I asked my incredibly throbbing and painful mind, _"What would Leon do?"_ I sighed and shook my head as my inner mind decided to speak up, so early in the morning I might add_. First off, Leon would Not have a hangover! Secondly, He'd take an aspirin that he packed in his bag. Oh wait; YOU didn't pack an aspirin, now did you? Ha your loss._

Claire frowned and punched the wall. Oh, I am soooo not going to yell at _myself _so early in the morning!

As I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower I heard something pop.

_Oh no._

I turned around and my mouth dropped open. The shower head was going crazy! It was detached and was "_gushing"_ out precious water that I _have_ to pay for!

But for some reason my brain wasn't processing any of it!

Soooo... my inner self decided to help me out. _Hello dipstick! The water is running! Thats money out of your pocket! Hop to it! Punch it! Go go go!! _I jumped up and ran over to the shower head.

Needless to say, that was not a good idea. I ended up slipping on the water that was spraying everywhere, and taking a cliff dive. WHAM!

The sound ended up echoing throughout the bathroom, making a glass that was on the counter fall and shatter. Oh... lookie the pretty bunnies...

_Idiot! The shower head!_

"Oh right.. hehe..." I stood slowly and tried to get a hold of the shower head. Easier said then done. The shower head was like a snake, or a man, avoiding my hands at all cost! I finally grew tired of chasing the shower head and lunged at the defenseless shower head.

I ripped it out of the wall water coming out in large quantities, from my innocent hole in the wall.

'crap...' I heard my inner voice laugh hysterically at me while I tumbled out of the bathroom. I quickly gathered my things and ran out of the hotel before I got caught and was shoved off to jail..._again_.

I turned a left and a large building came into my line of sight. _'finally...' _ I sighed to myself, smiling and approached the facilities back entrance. Oh I wasn't going to go through that _again._

Flashback!:

Id finally reached the facility! I was ecstatic! I approached the facility with a smile on my face, thinking that nothing could possibly go wrong!

I approached the bars blocking me from entering. Little did I know, that id be veery familiar with bars a little later on.

I heard the crunching of leaves, and I whirled around fists raised. There stood two very tall men. One was older, and you could tell that he was exhausted.

The other looked as if he were a bundle of energy and could climb mount Everest or something. Psh, yeeeaahh sure.

They were both wearing an all black uniform with a red and white pin that said "Umbrella" on it. The older one, wore an expression that obviously said 'don't mess with me or I'll stick my gun up your arse.' "What is your business missy?" Which was spoken in a heavy accent.

I shuddered and frowned darkly at the idiot.

The word 'missy' was on my list of 100 words that piss me off. I held my head high and stated _calmly_: "None of your _damn_ business, _sir_." I may have slipped him the middle finger... whoops? There goes my calm exterior...Anyways...

. Now how to get in- woaaahh!! The guard just grabbed my arm! "Let me go!" I struggled while the older man threw me over his shoulder like I were a rag doll. The _Nerve!_ "missy you're under arrest for assulting an officer." He said in French which I barely understood. Whhaaaaaatt? I whacked his back trying to get him to let go... no such luck.

End Flashback!:

So thats how I ended up in jail. I shuddered visibly and spotted an open window. Eureka!! I pushed a box near the window which was on the first floor and climbed into the small space. "...tight squeeze..." I murmured to myself flinching when I heard footsteps. I ducked behind a bookcase and watched as two Scientists walked by.

I sighed and looked around the room. It looked to me as a simple office with a mahogany desk in the center and a plant by the window (the one I climbed through hehe).

It also had a bookcase right next to the open door, which was to the right of the desk. I scanned through the books on the bookcase, and a medicine book caught my eye.

I pulled in out and scanned through it spotting a remedy for poison. I looked at the bottle and smiled. "what a funny looking bottle..." I said a little too loudly and a loud noise shocked me, making me drop the book.

"WARNING! WARNING! THERE IS A INTRUDER IN THE BUILDING! ALL STAFF PLEASE EVACUATED TO YOUR DESIGNATED AREAS UNTIL THE SUSPECT IS CAUGHT! I REPEAT...!"

Sirens blasted throughout the building, Red lights slightly blinding my eyes. "Crap!" I pulled out my handgun and ran out of the room turning right, hearing heavy panting and the pounding of footsteps growing ever closer. I could hear my inner voice screaming _'this is it, this is it!"_ but it was drowned out by the sirens.

I looked up and spotted a bunch of people aiming at me and I had to think fast. I saw another corridor to my left and I ducked behind it just as I heard multiple rounds shot just where I was standing.

Up ahead I saw a glass window stretching across a large expanse of the building. I paused when I heard the sound of a helicopter. "...Already...?"

I froze as the helicopter flew up and took aim at me. Fear raced up my spine as I locked eyes with the emotionless pilot. My instincts kicked in just as I heard the barrel of the Gatling gun start up.

I ran as fast as I could but my klutzy side reared its ugly head and I tripped. For a moment in time I saw myself falling as the bullets came ever closer to me. I shut my eyes tightly and stomped my foot, catching myself just before my face met concrete.

I gasped as the glass of the window shot by me grazing my skin. I got a second wind and I ran with all my might towards the now approaching open door.

I lunged forward just as the bullets hit right beside my feet. I rolled into the door the bullet narrowly missing my ankle. I stood slowly and analyzed the situation.

There were about ten men surrounding me pointing their guns at me. It appeared that this room was a boiler room, and the men were all waiting for me it seems. I closed my eyes for a second and smiled inwardly. "this is it..." I muttered to myself as I released the gun. I looked up as the men slowly lowered their weapons.

Slowly the gun fell from my hands and barrels in the background caught my eye. I let my body fall downward and I caught the gun midair shooting the barrels behind the shocked men. They exploded just as I knew they would and the men flew in all different directions. I sighed in relief, but stiffened when I felt a presence behind me. I whirled around gun pointed up at the man. I looked down the barrel of the gun my insides jumping in fright. I knew that my gun was empty and that I was trapped, so I dropped the gun to the ground raising my hands in defeat. Noooooo!! _not jail _again! I practically sobbed in my mind, while I kept a serious exterior.

Klonk! The man with piercing black eyes hit me over the head with his gun and my vision faded into black. My last thought before I lost consciousness: "Chris..."


End file.
